oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
