I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
