I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
