The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
