I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
