I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
