YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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