running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
