You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
