Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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