I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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