It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
