she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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