I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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