Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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