He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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