Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
