i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
