I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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