My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
