Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
