yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
