Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Holy shit dude........stairs
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
