i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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