I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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