apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
