Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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