She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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