Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
