I am puke
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
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