There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
