You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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