i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I didn't notice because vodka
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
