she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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