I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
