So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
