So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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