her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
