I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just gift wrapped bread.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
