oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
