I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
