Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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