Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It's just like the Real World with babies
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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