my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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