walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
