i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
