I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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