i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
