All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
