I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
