apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
