I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
