Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
