i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
